Thursday is nearing closer...

Monday 5/17/10
I had to work today. I woke up and really didn't feel like the long drive in. Work was okay. I felt better then I thought I would, its just standing on my feet without a break for a period of time that I start to get all crampy. I also told the people in the Clarksville office what was going on. They seemed really excited which made me excited. I'm glad for the extra support. Work helped keep my mind off of the negative stuff.
Adam was sweet, he said if I was too tired to drive home that he would come pick me up. The thought was sweet but just thinking of having to wait an hour for him to get there energized me enough to get home. With everything on my mind I do tend to go off in la la land and then I realize I'm driving. Scary, I know.
There have been a lot of fundraisers around Nashville lately do to the flooding. So tonight they were having and Eat out for Nashville night where several restaurants were participating. O Charley's was the only one close by so we went there, the restaurants donated 50% of your ticket to the flood relief. I have decided I really don't like O Charley's. We have eaten there a couple times over the last few months and I really just don't like it any more. Weird considering I lived there in high school and college.
Afterwards, I came home and surprise just wanted to go to bed. I felt HORRIBLE, it was odd it just hit me all at once. And I really don't know how to explain what was wrong but oh well.

5/18/10
I got to sleep in this morning. Always a plus. I probably woke up off and on as usual but stayed in bed til 10 which was nice. I was going to take a shower and get ready but then I really just didn't feel like it. I ended up however meeting Becca at the park and hanging out. It was nice to again have someone to talk to. She informed me that our ward apparently likes to create identical twins as she has known several sets. I thought that was funny.
I keep thinking about stuff regarding the babies. And sometimes it really upsets me that my OBGYN scared the crap out of me at our last appt. I mean I thought it was nice at the time that she said the best thing we could have was hope. But now thinking about that ...that is still negative...like I feel like she almost feels this pregnancy is doomed. This could all be because of the emotions I was feeling that day. I will see how all goes Thursday. I have been thinking about seeing a specialist like a high risk OBGYN since they deal with twins a lot more. Not sure if I should bring this up at the appointment or not. I'm really honestly scared to death about my appointment on Thursday. It is really starting to upset me. I'm scared we will get to the ultrasound and something will be wrong. I'm scared there hearts wont be beating or something. I almost don't care at this point if there conjoined or not as long as their hearts are both beating and beating stronger.

Well, tomorrow I work and hopefully I will feel okay. I'm excited about telling Dr. Kantrow. I know at least tomorrow will go by fast since I'm at work and it will keep me distracted. Most people are excited about going to see there babies and I'm terrified..how sad. I also figured out some dates in my head. So if my babies are viable at 26 weeks even though it will be scary for them to be out of the womb that early, that date would be the 3rd week of September. Crazy huh.

Okay, I will go for now...I'm nervous right now because my back hurts. I'm telling you every little thing freaks me out.

I LOVE YOU babies.. today is the first day since I heard the news that I let myself get really excited about you. Ive tamed my self back down into fear now but I did feel so connected to yet for a time there. I love you and I will get to see you Thursday. I'm going to fight for you and get you the best care. Your hearts better be beating strong for me :).