13 weeks 5 days

Hi,
So it has been a rough few days for me. I guess I will have my good days and my bad days.

We went back to the doctor on Friday. They babies were doing OK. They were moving around everywhere and flipping like crazy. Normally, this would be cute but this only means they are getting their cords tangled. They confirmed that there is defiantly no membrane now. They spent some time looking for the cord insertion into the to placenta. They ended up being right on top of each other which isn't ideal. Its better if they are further apart. I don't know all of the reasoning behind this. He again talked about some of the risk which is really getting old. And I don't know how many times I have to hear, "We just have to hope that a higher power has a plan for them." It never feels reassuring when a physician says something like that and yet I've heard it from all of them. It makes me feel like, its going to take a miracle to get through this. Which I know it is but its another thing to keep hearing it from your doctors. I mean I guess I don't want them to sugar coat stuff either. We had also asked him about the referral thing and was very nice about it but he said that Dr. Cassidy would have to be the one to make it because they just act as her consultants. That made since to me, so I guess I will just have to wait and talk to her. I'm on nerve everyday but its worse going into the appointments. You can just see me, I'm sitting there not doing anything, shaking my legs, palms sweaty, heart pounding, my IBS starts to flare....and finally I see their heart beats and I calm down some. Its nice being seen every week but the co pays really start to add up, but its worth it to see them. I go back again Friday to see them and then I may start alternating each week with them and Dr. Cassidy. I posted two pictures below. On the bottom of each picture it will say A or B. They are too big and move to much to be in the same shot anymore. I had several good shots of baby A but baby B didn't have to many. B was moving around a lot though so that probably why s/he didn't put on a good photo shoot. A's heart rate was 150 and B's heart rate was 147. They were lower this week but still normal. So now Adam thinks their boys because the heart rates are lower.

I don't know what happened but right after the appointment and still today I have had the roughest time. Its like hearing what they say, it doesn't really make me feel better. I got into the feeling like I already felt doomed. And I don't want any criticism about this. I read the MoMo boards and have realized people who are going through exactly what I'm going through go through the same emotions. I know its not over till its over but when you see them getting so big on the screen and changing, it gets REALLY difficult to think you may have to part with them. I have just been really tearful the past few days and just not wanting to do anything. I didn't want to go anywhere because I felt like a lose cannon who could just explode with emotion at any second. I wish this feeling would pass. Its so hard. I hate more than anything in the world having these negative thoughts. I guess it makes it harder when you cant feel them. Maybe once I can feel them and know there in there, it can give me some relief. I have even been on the MoMo boards (they have different categories in which you can post in) and was looking at the loss forum thinking its already happened to me. This is horribly sad I know and I feel crazy. But like I said please don't post a comment beating me up about that, I already feel bad enough.
I can only hope for a better next few days and another okay report on Friday.

I continue to thank you for your support and prayers. I thank heavenly father every night for the support I have.
I love my babies more than anything in this world and I want to be a stronger person for them!